Day 15 " Cheese & Boilers"

My God Bween your 2 days off went some quick. That being said you had a clear blast drinking beer and relaxing. Sure Angus Gerome text you a few times but you ignored them because you knew your time off would be very short lived. It really is amazing though Bween how much can happen in just 2 short nights away from work.

On night 1 Bween you made your fun little trip to the NSLC on Young St. This is the most convenient trip ever because you also walked into the Superstore and bought yourself Sushi and shit pills. Why would anyone ever buy the expensive ones when the no names are $3 cheaper for 6 shit pills, and they are made the exact same. You just can't understand people that have to own brand name shit pills, just boggles your mind. Either way, you go to the cash and pay for your necessities and are asked to donate a buck to the IWK. Hell yes, not only is this your moment to help a sick kid out, it's also your chance to sign the little paper "Pete Little." Bween you know most who read this blog may not know the story about Pete little but that's ok. His name must be mentioned at times like this no matter how distant the reader may be from your personal life.

So Bween your first night was great. Not only did you get a little sklow on but you also got some old pizza from pizza corner. While getting pizza the gut stands besides you and orders a Donair. You both stand observing the donair meat cutter. This thing is amazing. There seems to be no contact between this mystery meat and the blade and it somehow cuts perfectly. You then realize it just has some wizard power (electrical arc) which pulls massive chunks of Donair meat to the wizard workers hands. You can't help but crack a joke about how life would suck without a donair cutting contraption like this. To your surprise the wizard worker turns and says "you have no idea how tough life is without this thing." He then goes into detail about how it broke down once and donair cutting became the worst task any man or wizard could be assigned to do. He also proceeds in telling you the device cost $2000 to repair. You then leave and don't know how you feel about the donair discussion that just occured.

Night 2, well Bween let's not talk about night 2.

Today Bween you head to Sobeys to buy some sodium filled meals for work. As you are looking around a woman says "Excuse me sir, would you like to try a sample of extra old PEI cheese." You can't help but think it's NS cheese now that it's in NS but whatever, you don't start an argument and you try it. It tastes bitter and lumpy and stale. You love it Bween. She then tells you where its located so you go over to look at it to seem polite. She then asks you if she can take your picture looking at the cheese. Who is this creepy woman? Ah well you make a pose for far too long since she has to wind her camera. Really? Who owns those bad boys anymore? Either way Bween your head grows a little larger. Not only do you play in a famous country group called the Wildcats, but your going to be on the cover of a PEI cheese magazine. You can't help but assume everybody across the country gets their own copy of PEI cheese magazines. You can just picture it now, the title will say "SAY CHEESE." Fuck, how terrible is it that your gunna be the cheese guy, ah well. No such thing as bad publicity....right?

Ok Bween your back at work and just beat Mike Tysons punchout online using the game genie. You cant get damage yet you still lose a fight? The sandman dummies you quite a bit and wins in a decsiion. Even though you knocked him down a total of 6 times (2 times per round, this is why there was no TKO) and he didn't knock you down once. Imagine going to a boxing match Bween and the winner of the match got knocked down 6 times. This just isn't right.

Anyway Bween, life is pretty good. Your relaxing with Angus Gerome and your FB creeping midgets. This night shall fly!

Thanks Boiler Gods.

Bween
4:33am

Day 14 " Breaks from Boilers"

Bween, good that you're back to yourself and happy today. You feel pretty bad over last nights blog but they just don't know you that well Bween. They don't know how down and lazy you become without your tea. Sure the option of black tea was there last night but it's not the same. Without 2% titty juice in there you may as well be drinking the piss from Devon Brownhills urinal. Ok Bween too far, that's just too far.

As the night goes on you can't help but wonder how your two fingers show zero sign of any cuts. You finally realize that Ms. Mason must've been sent from the boiler gods to rid you of all your pains in half the time of a normal human. From this day forward you will refer to her has Wizard Mason since 2000 years ago everyone referred to Christ as Wizard Jesus didn't they? Didn't they?

Bween you are so excited that this is your last shift for two nights. Finally you and Angus Gerome will get a geak from this 14 day statre down you have been having. Not that you feel any hatred towards this warm soul, but he is starting to remind you of the days living in residence at SMU with your French roomate which you could not escape. That being said, Frenchy was far colder than you could ever be A.G.

Apparently today, when Devon Brownhills Cover worker was on, Angus Gerome started acting up. He passed out twice and C Dawg had to revive him. You can't help but feel that he is only acting this way because he knows you're the next to take time away from him Bween. He has never been away from you in so long that the fire inside his blessed soul is beginning to diminish. Tonight you must rub his side and stress the fact that you will return this Thurs night for the love of him and all the blog followers who support your every move in this little hut of warmth.

For the rest of the night Bween you musn't think of the Heinekens that lie ahead tomorrow, but you must focus hard on work and work only. This may be a tough shift of watching American Gangster but someone has got to do it. Maybe tonight bween you can sit the opposite direction and allow Angus Gerome to look over your shoulder and watch along with you. This will soothe his blessed soul and allow you guys to enjoy a nice date night before your early morning departure.

Cheers to the break from blogs and boilers.

Bween
12:35am
(*Back with blogs about days off on Thurs night. God Bless)

Day 13 " Black Tea and Boilers"

Bween what's with forgetting your little mayonnaise jar full of milk tonight? Great job douche bag.


Bween
4:48am

Day 12 "Nightmares & Boilers"

How good is being able to piss inside the boiler room urinal Bween. After so much trying to leak out the crack in the back door you and Devon Brownhill just couldn't handle the smell of superheated piss no longer. You guys should have known boiler heat and the pool of floor piss just don't mix. So while you were being lazy resting up for your shift, Devon Brownhill crafted up a hose and funnel system where you two can now share penis germs together and piss in this tiny funnel which drains to the pavement outside. Genius Devon, Pure Genius. Not only do you rid this place of horrid smells, but you heavily reduce the risk of melting your forskin when squeezing behind the boiler with your jimmer jammers poking out. Devon, you really should have been a part time plumber aside from your Daycare job.

Ok Bween, the urinal makes you happy and the night is going ok but then you suddenly realize the time changes over tonight. Holy shitballs that's not fair, you are now in for a 13hr shift rather than a 12. This shouldn't seem like an issue Bween but you know how 1 hour within these walls is the equivalent of 4 in the real world which is also like watching Cornation St back to back. This just isn't fair Bween. Isn't fair at all!!

Well Bween, now everyones names online are "this is going to be the bestest Halloween ever!!" They couldn't possibly be having more fun than you? I mean come on, your basket is full of candies to hand out to any kids who may decide to trick or treat at the boiler rental room in the Dal parking lot. You're watching Tombstone while wearing a Freddy Kruger mask and your sipping tea while battling stomach cramps. There is no way everyone else is having a better time than you, are they?

So Devon Brownhill decides to land in the middle of the shift while drunk as fuck and dressed up like a 400lb stripper with pancake nipples. Why Devon Why? Did you really have to come in and show Bween how much fun this night is outside a 40 foot aluminum container, that has a noisy ass boiler and a faded piss smell still lingering. Eat shit Devon Brownhill, Eat shit!!

So Bween you're now sipping tea and watching the clock move backwards (literally). Man how fun is logging readings at 1am twice in a row. Who ever invented this silly system? Perhaps they had something amazing happen to them at 1am and somehow were powered by Jesus to go back and re-live that 1am feeling all over again without bothering to wait for 24 hours? Who knows. All you know Bween is that person can go fuck themselves unless it just so happened to be you who did that in a past life.

Ok Bween it's Nov first, time to set up the xmas tree and get out the egg nog and xmas tunes. Let the Festivities begin, for we all know the lord Jesus Christ was really born in a boiler room!

Amen

Bween
(4:39am which was once known as 5:39am which was also known as closer to my get to go home time.)

Day 11 "Perverts and Boilers"

Ok Bween, your back in your Maple Leafs Chair feeling pretty good about how your interview went yesterday morning, That being said there's one question they asked that was sort of a no brainer, but you still couldnt bring yourself to answering it correctly. They asked you "What should be, and is always on the mind of a 2nd class power engineer?" You got choked up thinking about the answer. You know you were just after telling them you are honest, but you must lie Bween, you can't say what's really on their mind. So you go ahead and say safety should be on their minds along with awareness of company policy and the general gauge readings. This sounds ok Bween but who are you kidding? The two men doing the interview are 1st class power engineers, they know whats really on the mind (even moreso b/c a 1st class engineer knows more than a 2nd). You so badly wanted to say here's what's on the mind; Double D breasts crammed into a tiny brazeer. Chicken fingers and fries with extra gravy and sweet n sour sauce. That scene from wild things where the two lesbian girls make out in the pool. The youtube video of the fat kid falling out of his roller coaster seat. The curiosity of why there is even a starter on a BBQ since not one has ever worked (Just there for the click noise you assume). And finally, the midget downtown halifax who wears no shirt under his open leather coat despite the freezing cold temperatures. This is the only thing that a power engineer focuses on in their career, nothing else.

Ok Bween, your pocket starts shaking and you think it's a text to only see a number calling in which you dont recognize. A little hesitant you put the phone to your ear, take a deep breath and say "Wildcat Bween how may I assist you?" To your surprise you hear drunken rambling and can only make out "What boiler you runnin wha?" The wha at the end of the question narrows it down to a Cape Breton man but who could it be? Ahhh that's it, its Dr. Popsicle calling from Charlottetown. This man is a second class power engineer so you go ahead and ask him what's on his mind at the moment without mentioning the interview question. He slurrs "I'll tell you wha'ts on my mind. Double D breasts crammed into a tiny brazeer. Chicken fingers and fries with extra gravy and sweet n sour sauce. That scene from wild things where the two lesbian girls make out in the pool. The youtube video of the fat kid falling out of his roller coaster seat. The curiosity of why there is even a starter on a BBQ since not one has ever worked (Just there for the click you guess). And finally, the midget downtown halifax who wears no shirt under his open leather coat despite the freezing cold temperatures." He then says he may be in town tomorrow, so Bween you can study him furthermore tomorrow before your shift. Just from this talk Bween you realize, you shouldn't even write for your 2nd class ticket, you know all those intelligent thoughts needed to run a large power plant. Good Job!

Side note Bween: Order more boiler babies tomorrow. The tank is getting low and the flames musn't diminish!

Over and out!

Bween
4:48am

Day 10 "Suits, Chiefs & Boilers"

Bween you did it again. You relied strictly on others. How old are you, 25 or 3? You had to go ahead and call Ms. Mason again today for her to come over and dress you for your morning interview. She is only one year older than you but you really can't remember the days where you did anything without her 100% input and control. This is good though Bween because if you didn't allow her to take over, then Wildcat Jimmy would have dressed you and you'd look like a cross between Dwight Yoakum and Kurt Cobain. Hmmm you're now thinking maybe you should take Ms. Mason to the interview with you. This would be great, everything they ask you, she could whisper you the answer and you could deliver that perfect bitch everytime. Sweet.

So Ms. Mason takes one look at you as she walks in the apartment and tells you to lose the black tie and white shirt along with the Obama hat. Now you wonder what shirt doesn't make you look like your going to a wedding, so you grab your beautiful light blue moores shirt to go along with those snazzy navy pants. The shirt is amazing on you but you can't help but notice the extra long/puffy sleeves which make you look more like a transformer than anything. You almost look like a transformer who is a wee bit feminine (maybe you turn into a smart car??) Don't be mean Bween, just get another shirt. So you venture into your closet only find that 90% of your clean clothes arent clean at all. There is one shirt that looks snazzy, if one could only dodge the puke stain on the chest pocket of it. Fuck it Bween, you're going to Walmart.

As you and Ms. Mason walk into Walmart you can't help but notice all the attention your getting. Perhaps they've all read your blog and want to come meet you, or they just never seen you clean shaven before and think you look like a retarded 12 year old boy (since you are a regular there). Anyway, we'll bet the 2nd one. So you get what you need in Walmart and get out as fast as you can since Devon Brownhill is anxiously awaiting your arrival at work. Atta boy Bween, you made it to work 30min early just like Ernie Burger taught you. Good job!

Now Bween you're sitting back in your Maple Leafs chair wondering how many shit pills you will need to take in the morning before your 10am interview. You know you feel fine now, but it's a matter of time before clenching as tight as you can while calling security to come let you into the shitter. Either way Bween just relax, take a deep breath, and get back to work. You must know by now those 4 dvd's arent gunna watch themselves by 7am. Get going you lil whippersnapper you. Make the Chief Engineers proud.

Bween
1:43am (approximately 4 hours until washroom call)

Day 9 "Concerning Boilers"

Bween Bween Bween, your back at it and boy you're in for a long night. Devon Brownhill (your competition) has his DND interview at 10am tomorrow so you're spotting him. How excited were you driving into work tonight and knowing you can not leave until 16 hours later. 16 hours, holy shit, thats like drivin to Mabou and back to Halifax 4.5 times. Holy shit that's like watchin Shawshank Redemption slightly over 5 times. Holy shit that's like watching 3 Nascar events. Holy's shit that's like going to church in Mabou 21.5 times (mass takes approximately 45 minutes depending on sermen length.) Holy's shit that's like... ok ok Bween settle down, you can just say it sucks and you went on this rant to simply pass a few minutes, good job. You're in for a long night, that's all.

So you login to msn, watch a little of "Superbad" and then take a break. Sorta weird how you have breaks from movies, is this a real job? When you close the movie you get a message from Wildcat Jimmy. You and him go on a rant about how crazy the world is. You speak of everything, from plastic bags taking 750 years on average to break down to Neil Armstrong reading porn on the moon. Either way you and Jimmy both feel plastic bags and porn on the moon is a giant no no. Moving on.

Bween, you couldn't help but give the Boiler a name tonight since lately you have been patting him and speaking to him out loud. Angus Gerome suits him since A.G is stamped on him. He is what everyone looks for in a true friend yet he acts like an infant. He is always warm, has a cute round shape about him. He has short little legs and looks like all other babies (or boilers if you want to treat him like an object). He depends on you much like a baby as well. You have to kick start his day and be with him 24 -7. Since Devon Brownhill watches him during the days you think him as a very reliable nanny. Yes Bween, talk Devon Brownhill out of Power Engineering tomorrow. Convince him to open a daycare. "Devon Brownhill's Daycare." Who wouldn't go for an original name like that. This daycare would also open a slot at the DND Bween. Holyshit, lets get this plan in action. Naaa Fuck Bween, nevermind. These walls are just turning you into Gollum. The only idea you must keep is Angus Gerome is far more than a boiler. He is a love generator. He pushes out 85 pounds per square inch of steamy love. What a guy!

Ok Bween, time to go eat. It's getting to the point you dont need to bring a lunch anymore since your spoon has 30 different old meals dried up on it. Just lick the spoon Bween and youll get full in no time. Lick 1, yum rasberry apple sauce. Lick 2, Mac n Cheese (the pizza flavoured kind). Lick 3, king cole tea. Lick 4 rusty room floor (haha that rhymes). Lick 5, mustard pickles. Ok Ok your getting carried away again Bween, put the spoon down and put up the feet.

The night is but a pup. Let's just hope everyone who reads this blog has no connection to the DND. Goodnight Bween and no watchin "Cast Away." That movie sucks and is only about a guy losing his mind, and not bothering to write blogs.

I Love you forever
I'll like you for Always
As long as I'm living
My boiler you'll be.

Bween
2:49am.